Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we are making them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely outside of location. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

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  A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate

  
  


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  The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

  
  


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  A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")

  
  


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  And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

  
  

Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Certainly, positive, let us have One more position wherever American Adult males can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: present everyone a suite on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."

Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head obvious from Place, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, labeled.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.

"It is really not simply unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," Trump Tower Damascus mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Attributes

Perhaps the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

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  A silent atrium wherever guests may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment

  
  


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  A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Regulate set to "distant"

  
  


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  A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

  
  

Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Appear"

The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."

A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:

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  34% say "it'd stabilize the area"

  
  


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  29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

  
  


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  eighteen% stated "wherever's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"

  
  

Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"

The undertaking is previously attracting attention from Worldwide buyers, such as:

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  A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister

  
  


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  The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

  
  


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  And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll invest in 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

  
  

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount can even include things like:

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  A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

  
  


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  A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

  
  


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  And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War

  
  

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to wait to check out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Eventually, a resort where my PTSD can have switch-down provider."

A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports advise:

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  China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

  
  


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  Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

  
  


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  And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.